Latte Lectures - Cinema

A Promise to Promise

willowanne@gmail.com (Auntie Willow) — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 12:18:03 -0700

Dear Ones, I am SO excited!
I don't want to Jinx it, but I might have met a TRULY special someone! I mean someone that would be FULL-TIME Uncle for You! Someone that I only have to discipline within the bonds of the most sacred of vows.That's right, I might have a new PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!
Whew! I'm so excited I might need to catch my breath. Well, as you all know, I'm ALL ABOUT the Republican Party! But I was so worried this year, because even with like thirty people running as Republicans, I didn't feel that there was one that really spoke to ME, you know, the typical Disciplinarian Attractive Librarian Programmer World Empresses (or DALPWE's as we're called in marketing circles! But be careful Dearies, that's a Trademark!). And you can imagine that me and the millions of others just like me (Thanks to Dr. VonVerruckt for getting my clone army FINALLY ready!) were feeling left out of the whole political process this year.
Then HE showed up! He's DREAMY! I mean he's TALL, and has dark hair (both of them, well, he's follicly challenged). He's got a Deep, Boomy voice, and when the director yells "Action", well, he can Gravitas like nobody's business!
Oh, didn't I mention that he's an actor? His name is Fred Thompson. I know dears, you think that as an Actor he's about as likely to make a commitment as, well, an ACTOR. But he's serious Dearies, he's not just messing with me! I mean, really!
I don't want to jinx it, because we're just talking right now, but he said he plans to think about forming an "Exploratory Committee". That means he's practically taking the oath of office right now!
Let's face it, the Exploratory Committee is Presidential Race equivalent of the Promise Ring. That means that Fred Thompson is SERIOUSLY considering promising to seriously consider trying to do something! Just like a promise ring is a promise to think about a promise to think about getting married. I should stop all of this romantic talk, I'm getting all giggly just thinking about it!
Oh sure, we've had other slick talking men try with their exploratory committees, but they just weren't RIGHT, you know? Not like Fred, he's Dreamy. Every time I watch him put away another scumbag on Law and Order, I start to daydream of him: taking the oath of office, just like he took an oath to protect us on Law and Order. Telling people what to do around the "big table" in the sit room, just like he did in Hunt for Red October. Playing with A Bombs, just like he did in "Fat Man and Little Boy". And of course, stealing our hearts, just like his was stolen by plucky little Alisan Porter in "Curly Sue". He's sure already stolen mine!
Pardon me Dearies, I need to go get my "Mrs. President Fred Thompson tattoo now!
And then I'm going to pop in Aces: Iron Eagle III. I'll need a moment alone for that!

New Sunset Boulevard?

willowanne@gmail.com (Auntie Willow) — Tue, 15 Nov 2005 21:43:22 -0700

Well, Auntie Willow has been thinking about quitting smoking.
Please don't be disappointed Dearies. Being a Librarian is stressful enough; add on being the living avatar of Divine Librarian Justice and you can see how the occasional cigarette can calm me. And when everyone tells me I look like Joan Crawford, you can see how flattered I truly am.
But despite the slurs, it can be the only thing that can keep me from occasionally snapping and dispensing behavior correction on a long car trip with others from my humble temple of knowledge. That's right, Auntie Willow was in a car with four other people for over 6 hours today, and all of them survived. There was only one pepper spray incident, and considering how windy it was on the trip the spray clouded up and blew away with only the barest of eye irritation. All in all I would say it was a successful trip. But what does Auntie Willow think about when in the company of mere mortals?
I contemplate the immortal. Like Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard. And then, what should I find out today? They are working on a new musical version, starring Glen Close and Ewain McGregor. Wait, musical?
Ahh, the ever lurking Andrew Lloyd Webber (excuse me, Lord Lloyd Weber) has decided that what Gloria Swanson's Oscar Nominated performance in 1950 really lacked was a disco beat. After all, this is the man that brought us Starlight Express. Maybe he will have Glen Close roller skate!
Apparently she won the Tony Award for Best Actress in a Musical for Sunset Boulevard. Sure, she was creepy and all in Fatal Attraction, stalking saggy old Michael Douglas, but does she have the subtlety needed to master the complexity of Norma, while singing strained rhymes to a badly-tuned soft rock guitar? Could anyone? How sweet of you to suggest your Dear Auntie, but I would have difficulty fitting it into my schedule. Which reminds me, I need to quit smoking, so Ewain will find my breath fresh when he's smooching me in the first reel.
Max! Max! I need my fan mail now, Max!

Pennsylvania Sunset Boulevard

willowanne@gmail.com (Auntie Willow) — Thu, 03 Nov 2005 18:32:46 -0700

We were watching Sunset Boulevard last night at Bryan Street.
A classic movie of a fantastic, beautiful woman who was let down by all of the ?little people?, Auntie Willow has always felt a certain kinship with Gloria Swanson?s character, Norma Desmond.
Norma was a silent film star, whose wit and stunning good looks were ignored with the advent of "talkies". One day a handsome young gigolo named Joe McGinnis, played by a baby-faced William Holden wanders into her mansion, uninvited. Her faithful butler Max lets Mr. Fancy-pants spoiled child into their door, and their lives, and it all ends badly.
That is what happens when you let "Objective Reality" into your beautiful Mansion.
Please understand, I love this movie. I was less charitably inclined towards Dear Roommate last night when he kept calling me "Norma". As I squinted against the glare coming off of his bald pate (don't squint, Dearies, it gives you crows-feet!), I replied "Max, get the car". Suddenly the "little game" wasn't fun anymore. It is always so ugly when they turn on each other.
That is what they must be feeling over at the other famous Mansion. Sure, "Pennsylvania Avenue" is on the opposite coast from "Sunset Boulevard", but the comparisons are apt.
An aging narcissist, in this case played by George W. Bush, is kept in a beautiful mansion. For reasons that will only become clear to us in the last reel (I HOPE they become clear to us), his delusions are enabled by a very ruddy, very bald, and very creepy right-hand man; his name is Dick Cheney.
Just as Max forged fan letters for Madame, "Uncle Dick" makes sure that intelligence on Iraq comes out just the way that it needs to come out.
When "Madame" Bush wants company, "Max" Cheney makes sure that the bridge table is populated by people that won't disturb the carefully crafted reality. The only things they watch are old movies where victorious troops are greeted as liberators.
I seriously tried to link this article. I really did. I like to link to appropriate news stories for each snarky little smack of the ruler. But the problem is, how do you link to an entire internet's worth of reality showing what confused little people they are? How many times can you stand up and ask where are the Christian Values in refusing to allow Senate oversight of torture? It is fun to watch Scooter ask how many CIA agents can dance on the head of a pen, but eventually?.Ahh, eventually.
Eventually he comes in, doesn't he? William Holden, playing a cynical but ultimately undeniable reality. Just a creak of the door for Ole Joe McGinnis, played by Patrick Fitzgerald in this modern remake. He may be crass by their standards, but they can't deny his power. Compared to theirs, it seems infinitesimal. After all, what can one person do against someone so rich, who can create their own reality? But can you really create it, or can you only hide out for a while?
It ends badly for Joe, but I won't say more if you haven't watched the movie. The easy point is that you CAN kill the messenger, but not the message. No, some things cannot be denied.
So do it for me, Georgie Boy! Please say it for me! "Tell Mr. DeMille I'm ready for my close-up."
P.S. I'm SO gonna wail on Max, err, Dear Roommate tonight! I'm bring my best ruler home from the library. They said it was unbreakable, I'll find out tonight if that is true. Pfff! Auntie Willow as Norma Desmond. She was 50, and I'm only, uhhh, what did I say in that post, 23? He is SO gonna pay!

"The Life" is NOT a movie for Children!

willowanne@gmail.com (Auntie Willow) — Tue, 11 Oct 2005 17:41:13 -0700

Although Auntie Willow is a priestess of the printed word, she does on occasion watch the Kinetoscope to get a sense for what the kids are doing.
Usually this involves inviting over Winston, the Audio-Visual Librarian. I do this rarely because popcorn and pepper spray are really all that stand between my virtue and a sweaty nasally congested former president of the Meadowvale Elementary School Audio-Visual Club.
Of course, every once in a while I have pity on the poor dear and invite him over, everyone knows that Audio-Visual people are "Special". Not like you are special to Auntie Willow, but Special in a "Wear a Hockey-Helmet All the Time" kind of special.
So Auntie Willow needs to get her glasses updated. I swear I thought the box said "Where", which meant another nice but boring travel documentary. I even found myself guessing the location as the credits started and I got up to get Winston another towell to wipe his mouth with (He IS sweet, but I will NOT have him drooling on my antimacassar!).
Well, imagine my surprise when I returned!
That wasn't an "E" in the third letter, that was an "O"! The movie was named "Whore"! Well, actually it is based on a European book titled "Yo Puta!"
Well, I didn't watch all those Almodovar films for nothing, let me tell you! Yo Puta just means, and I'm only typing this for a translation, mind you, "I am a Whore"!
Add to the confusion the fact that the movie has at LEAST three names: Yo Puta in "Espanol", Whore in Winston's dirty little universe, and "The Life" on the DVD shelves.
And the story! Or should I say stories. Half of the movie consists of poor little Denise Richards trying to act her little heart out. How long must you torment this woman! Hasn't she been humiliated enough by Charlie Sheen? Must you turn a camera on her and ask her to emote? Need I describe the cruelty of putting her in this film, where she doesn't have plot or special effects or dialogue or acting ability to fall back on? Just leaving her bare before the camera, except not really because at least the deary had the good sense to put a no nudity clause in the contract! And then force her to share screen space with that mean old Darryl Hannah, who hams it up by acting while poor Denise is struggling along right next to her.
The plot, of course, is only part of the film. There is a part of the film made up of interviews with actual slatterns, or international prostitutes if you will(the prostitutes are all over, they obviously don't get a chance to do a lot of travelling themselves, since they have to stay close to home to make a living). These take up about a third. Edgy graphics marking a jarring transition from one "part" of the movie to another make up a third, leaving poor Denise with the last part.
And then, there she is again. Denise plays an anthropology student who is running out of money. Her neighbor is Darryl Hannah, who always goes to the "Club" and comes back with cash. Denise keeps dropping hints like "I'm almost out of money" and Darryl keeps responding with things like "Have you ever considered getting men to pay you to have sex?" Of course Denise doesn't quite get it.
Add to her humiliation the fact that she is forced to share screen time with women who just use their looks and their sexuality to make money, and you see just how poorly cast she is!
Well, suffice to say Auntie Willow will make it all better. First off, I?m just not going to support the torture of poor Denise Richards anymore. No matter how much I feel for the poor dear, I?ll stay home when another nasty-minded director tries to make her emote for the camera. And Winston is definitely on the ?Outs?. Shocking my sensibilities, empty Brylcreem tubes in the bathroom, and do you know how long it took me to get the Cheetoh fingerprint stains washed out of my knickers?

A Room wih a View

willowanne@gmail.com (Auntie Willow) — Sun, 02 Oct 2005 21:21:10 -0700

Well, dearies, Auntie Willow has been threatened with the film A Room With a View. I was terrorized at an early point in my life by this film, with its interminable pacing and vast deserts of beautiful but vacuous cinematography. It reminded me of a man that your Auntie almost went out with.
In both instances, a scant five minutes of fatuous dialogue and glacial momentum left me with a strong urge to ask them to bring me a borax and ground glass cocktail. The uncertainty about possible death would have added an element of excitement to both evenings that was sorely lacking.
Also in both instances, they periodically resurface and make me consider joining a nunnery; because the energy level is slightly higher and the conversation is livelier.
How could such a film, almost Swedish in its tempo, be allowed to sully this Country?s innocent Librarian population? Another example where the Republican Congress does nothing! My only hope of legal remedy is that the film is so long that I actually underwent evolution during the opening credits! At least that means that biology students will be safe from its insomnia curing plotline.
I know that I am not supposed to be able to hate A Room with a View, as it is a beloved Academy Award winner with a star cast, but your Auntie Willow is her own librarian, and will not be taken in by such societal pressure.