Chin Up, Canada!

willowanne@gmail.com (Auntie Willow) — Tue, 24 Jan 2006 18:39:58 -0700

Oh my poor little Canadian Dearies!
Your Auntie Willow's heart is heavy for you today.
I wish I could give your entire country a big hug and tell you that even though roughly 39% of you are total morons, it will still be OK.
But I can't.
I thought last night, when I was finding out just how good or how bad it would be, that I would teach you a new phrase. That if you practiced very hard, the next time a grownup would ask you any question at all you could reply "I call for a Vote of No Confidence!"
If it would make you feel better, then you could pretend you were Queen Amidala in the First Star Wars Movie (actually, the Fourth Star Wars movie. The First Movie was called the Fourth Movie, and the Fourth Movie is called the First Movie. Don't ask Auntie why. The best I can come up with that you would understand is that drugs can make anybody, even successful California Film Moguls stupid. So don't do drugs! Much.)
After thinking, though, I realized that even if you did it as soon as the first lie was out of Mr. Harper's mouth (look for it somewhere close to the word "Good" and the word "Morning"), my poor little tenderhearted Westerners would just vote Tory again.
No, you have to take a more drastic series of steps.
I've taken the liberty of writing these up for you. You might consider copying them down (crayon is ok for all of you who voted Tory) and put them on your Refrigerator.

Send all the brown people in Canada on a little trip. (not permanently, trust me, they'll come back.)
I noticed the other day in the Ottowa Sun that a startlingly high number of dusky skinned peoples were dissatisfied with the Liberals and NDP. They were thinking about voting Tory. Now, there is something that seems a little off about the Ottowa Sun, not being Canadian I'm not sure if it is a Murdock Newspaper or not, but there is something suspicious about it. However, I did take the three people that were talking about how maybe the Tories could make their lives as minorities better seriously. Seriously stoned, that is. No, I'm not advocating sending them away forever, just for a 6 month stint to a place where White Conservatives run a large minority population. Not South Africa, I'm talking about the US State of Mississippi. Last in education, per capita income, health care. First in teen pregnancy, illiteracy, and "social diseases" per capita. Now in all fairness to Mississippi, they are always swapping those crowns with my own beloved Arkansas and Alabama, but basically we get to fight it out for dead last in the US every year. And we're all run by ultra-conservatives.
Yes, 6 months of broiling in the Mississippi sun while barely literate supervisors lock them into stores at night to restock food that they can't afford to buy on their (approximately) 8 dollar Canadian an hour job (before $2 Canadian an hour for healthcare that requires two weeks salary to pay the deductible), and they might wonder what it is that Conservatives are trying to Conserve.

Make the Marijuana Party join with the Green Party.
I mean, they're basically the same, right? That would put the Greens up an extra 9266 votes nationwide, although the Globe and Mail didn't specify which Province or City the votes came from (for some reason, I'm thinking of a city that starts with a "V" and ends with an "Ancouver"), it might be enough to actually get the Greens their first MP. What a treat! Nothing would piss off the Tories like an actual living, breathing Green MP, unless of course it was an MP from the Marijuana Party.

Keep Track of the Tories' Money
Believe me, they won't cash in the government for a pitiful 1.2 Million Canadian. A true conservative wouldn't get out of bed for that kind of chump change.
Trust me, in 6 months when you're watching all your beautiful young Canadian Men get their asses shot off in a desert hell-hole (man, are we in the US glad you were dumb enough to vote Tory and join us here in Iraq!), check and see how much of the money that they didn't spend on armor for the troops got diverted to Tory think tanks. If they have only one-tenth the hubris of a US Conservative, it would probably be in the billions (excuse me, "thousand millions"). Watch all those Loonies fly straight into the people that are jealous of how much graft and corruption the US gets away with. Trust me, they'll do it, even though they rode that pathetic little corruption scandal into power (anybody ever hear of an American Chappie named Newt Gingrich? Just read his bio and replace the word "Gingrich" with "Harper").

Lastly, find someone who is suitably Vicious to run the Liberals and also the NDP.
I mean, someone with a nickname like "the Kneecapper". Do you think that Tory (what was his name, MacKay? Since it was a morning talk show, I can only assume he can get cell reception in his coffin. I didn't know that Canadian Conservatives could move about in the sun) was really sorry when he told Alexa McDonough to "Stick to her knitting"? If Alexa stabbed him in the knee with a Knitting Needle (well, metaphorically), then she is the kind of person fit to lead the more liberal elements of Canada's political process. Get her to defect from the NDP and lead the Liberals.
Oh, don't worry about MacKay. They heal very fast after the Sun goes down and they get a little fresh blood.

POUNCE!

Really Canadians, Tories?

willowanne@gmail.com (Auntie Willow) — Sat, 21 Jan 2006 14:36:56 -0700

Dearies, this post is for my Canadian Friends.
What are you thinking, eh?
Are you tired of having a successful economy? Do you hate your social safety net? Maybe you dislike all that peace! Is it jealousy of the US's dominant (and soon to be only) industry: Weapons? Or are you just sick of having a just, equitable (for the most part), sane and compassionate society? If your answer to all of these questions is yes, then keep doing what you are about to do. That's right, ditch your government for a nice, conservative one.
Auntie Willow is American, so of course she is not supposed to know anything about how your government works (we're not supposed to worry our "pretty little heads" about such things as what foreigners do). But, if what I heard on the streets is correct, you have to make sure that the next government does not include the Tories. Yes, I know that the NDP would be optimal, but at 17% they're not about to field their own government. Quite frankly, the NDP and the Liberals both only add up to 45%, so they couldn't form a coalition. Thank goodness the Tories are only at 38%! Hey, quick question, where are the other 17%? Don't tell me Green, I understand that they're hoping to nail down their first Riding, but of course, my data could be off. (It's hard to get news about something other than a cute, murdered white woman in the States). I got it from the Globe and Mail this morning, but they were a little vague. For some reason they want $4.95 Canadian to tell me more. (I never ask if it's Canadian or US Dollars. As a matter of principle, I always try to pay Canadian if possible. It does garner some stares here in the Red Southland. As soon as GW trashes our economy some more, though, I'll start paying US because it will be cheaper!)
What is this about merging your Medicare with Private Health insurance? Great Idea! Private insurance is great! You give them a whole bunch of money, and then because the deductibles are too high, you never have to worry about going to a doctor! That's why there is no wait for medicine in the US, nobody can afford it!
Hey! Maybe you could subvert your culture to an apocalyptic view of the bible! Why be burdened with all that Science and Reason when you have FAITH? Who needs to talk about all this mamby-pamby (southern-speak for "sissified") talk about a loving Jesus when we all know he's back and he's pissed (southern speak for really angry. Does pissed mean drunk in your country?).
Anyway, I had a three-page barely coherent screed all lined up, but maybe this little tidbit from Australia will convince you that English and Conservatism don't mix. Or had you never heard of Margaret Thatcher? I understand from friends in England that you still can't get a good train.
Just do like your Auntie says and make sure, whether you are voting Liberal or NDP, that whatever you do don't let a Tory win your Riding!
If you have any doubts, just look a little south of your position. You see that smoggy, paranoid, zealot filled totalitarian police state there? Their name is the United States of America. They used to have a democracy, until they voted Tory.
So go vote, eh?

Latte Lectures - Canada

Chin Up, Canada!

Really Canadians, Tories?